ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES - ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 2: UNITED STATES OF HANK - including both screenplays.

- marraskuuta 03, 2025

A Sequel ideas for: Me, Myself and Irene - S special tribute to the farrelly brothers

a sequel to Me, Myself & Irene in true Farrelly Brothers fashion has tons of potential for absurd, heartfelt chaos. Let’s sketch the story concept and a screenplay opening that fits their tone: raunchy, fast, full of physical gags but with a big heart.

🎬 Title: ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES

Genre: Comedy, Family, Farce, College, Redemption
Tone: Wild, outrageous, heartwarming — classic Farrelly Brothers.

LOGLINE:

Two decades after Charlie Baileygates made peace with his split personality, his genius-but-insane quadruplet sons—Jamal, Lee Harvey, Shonté Jr., and their “white brother” Casper (“Whitey”)—head off to four rival colleges. When chaos, love, and an international conspiracy collide, the brothers must unite their brilliance—and insanity—to save their dad’s reputation and accidentally win Nobel Prizes along the way.

PLOT OUTLINE:

ACT 1 – Family Dysfunction 2.0

Charlie Baileygates is now retired from the Rhode Island State Police and living a quiet life in Providence with Irene.
Their four sons have all been accepted to college… but at different ones, reflecting their unique personalities:
- Jamal Baileygates – MIT physics prodigy, full of swagger but zero common sense.
- Lee Harvey Baileygates – Harvard Law student, brilliant legal mind, paranoid conspiracy theorist.
- Shonté Jr. Baileygates – Berkeley social justice crusader and bioengineer. Constantly protesting… sometimes against himself.
- Casper “Whitey” Baileygates – Community college dropout turned tech bro influencer. Think: “Elon Musk meets Napoleon Dynamite.”

Charlie and Irene drop them off, proud but terrified.
Cue Farrelly-style montage of college debauchery and emotional calls home.

ACT 2 – The Split Returns

Charlie’s split personality “Hank” starts reemerging after a college dean accuses the Baileygates kids of academic fraud.
Meanwhile:

Jamal accidentally invents a quantum bong that rips a hole in the space-time continuum.
Lee Harvey exposes a fake diploma mill… that turns out to be run by himself.
Shonté Jr. genetically engineers a plant that can “speak truth to power.”
Whitey becomes a TikTok millionaire promoting “biohacking with household bleach.”

The boys’ wild experiments get them expelled… and somehow nominated for Nobel Prizes after the military steals their inventions.

ACT 3 – Fatherly Madness

Charlie (and Hank) road-trip to Sweden for the Nobel ceremony to stop the madness.
Cue slapstick travel comedy: Hank fights with TSA, Charlie cries at IKEA, Irene tries to keep them all alive.
In Stockholm, the kids accidentally blow up the Nobel stage with Jamal’s invention—then fix world hunger using Shonté Jr.’s plants.

Final scene: The boys are awarded joint Nobel Prizes “for scientific, legal, and humanitarian confusion.”
Charlie accepts on their behalf, finally at peace… until Hank grabs the mic and screams:

“I TOLD YOU WE’D RAISE SOME GENIUSES!”

TAGLINE:

“One father. Four geniuses. Infinite personality disorders.”

OPENING SCENE (Screenplay Style)

FADE IN:

EXT. RHODE ISLAND POLICE PICNIC – DAY

Charlie Baileygates (Jim Carrey) is giving a retirement speech. His sons—four enormous, loud, mismatched geniuses—are grilling, arguing, and accidentally setting fire to the mayor’s car in the background.

CHARLIE
(tearful)
Thirty years on the force... and I finally get to relax.

IRENE
(turns, sees car explode)
You sure about that, hon?

CHARLIE
(desperate smile)
Oh yeah. Nothing but peace and—

BOOM! The barbecue blows up.

The crowd screams. The kids cheer. Hank’s voice suddenly slips out—grinning, manic:

HANK (V.O.)
“Hell yeah, baby! Daddy’s back!”

SMASH CUT TO TITLE CARD:

ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES

SCREENPLAY — SELECTED SCENES

FADE IN:

EXT. RHODE ISLAND POLICE PICNIC – DAY

(As before: Charlie’s retirement, BBQ chaos, Hank’s voice slips out.)

TITLE CARD: ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES

INT. BAILEYGATES HOUSE – NIGHT

A cozy Rhode Island cape. Family photos of chaos and love.
Moving boxes labeled “MIT,” “HARVARD,” “BERKELEY,” and “URI.”

CHARLIE
(to Irene, counting pill bottles)
Therapist says I don’t need these anymore. Just… breathing and gratitude.

IRENE
Sweetie, gratitude won’t stop a flamethrower.

CHARLIE
Who has a flamethrower?

Whitey enters with… a FLAMETHROWER.

WHITEY (CASPER)
Dad, check it — “clean-burning artisanal cremé-brûlée torch.” My startup’s first product.

CHARLIE
Hank— I mean, thank— you for showing me that outside.

WHITEY
Too late.

FWOOOOSH. The toaster is now a meteor.

JAMAL runs in, wearing an MIT hoodie and safety goggles.

JAMAL
Relax! I built a CO₂ extinguisher out of LaCroix cans.

It explodes glitter. The fire dies. Everyone sparkles.

LEE HARVEY (in blazer, taking notes)
We can litigate the toaster for emotional distress.

SHONTÉ JR. (flower crown, lab coat)
Speaking of emotional distress, I accidentally made a plant that screams when you lie.

A POTTED PLANT emits a tiny shriek when Lee Harvey smirks.

PLANT
(ear-piercing) Eeeeeeee!

LEE HARVEY
That plant’s hearsay.

IRENE
Okay, geniuses. Tomorrow is drop-off day. No fires, no lawsuits, no screaming botany.

HANK (V.O., in Charlie’s head)
Let ‘em cook.

Charlie rubs his temples. He’s trying to be calm. He is not calm.

MONTAGE — “MOVE-IN MAYHEM”

EXT. MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY – DAY
The Great Dome. Jamal carts in a desk made of skateboards, high-fives roboticists, gets his dorm key, and immediately plugs in a shimmering “QUANTUM WATER PIPE” with rotating superconducting rings. A RA gasps.
EXT. HARVARD LAW SCHOOL – DAY
Lee Harvey adjusts his tie, hands out business cards titled “FUTURE JURIS OVERLORD.” He corrects a statue’s Latin.
EXT. UC BERKELEY – DAY
Shonté Jr. joins a protest against a protest about a protest. He signs up for Bioengineering, Ethnic Studies, and “Intro to Interpretive Marching.”
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF RHODE ISLAND – DAY
Whitey backs his pickup to a dorm. A pallet of ring lights, protein powder, and “CasperCoin” merch spills out. He winks at the URI mascot.

SUPER:
Jamal — MIT (Physics, Course 8)
Lee Harvey — Harvard Law
Shonté Jr. — UC Berkeley (Bioengineering & Env. Sci.)
Whitey — University of Rhode Island (Business & “Content Strategy”)

EXT. MIT – COURTYARD – DAY

Charlie and Irene hug Jamal goodbye.

CHARLIE
Proud of you, son. Just… no more, uh, glitter fire.

JAMAL
Dad, I’m past glitter. I’m into quantum confetti.

CHARLIE
That’s the same thing.

JAMAL
It’s the same thing everywhere at once.

HANK (V.O.)
I like him.

EXT. HARVARD LAW – STEPS – DAY

Lee Harvey poses like a senator.

LEE HARVEY
Irene, Dad — this is where I become the most dangerous organism known to man: a lawyer with a podcast.

IRENE
Just stay hydrated.

LEE HARVEY
Justice is my hydration.

PLANT (IN BACKPACK)
Eeeee!

LEE HARVEY
Okay that plant is defamation.

EXT. BERKELEY CAMPANILE – DAY

Shonté Jr. hugs both parents.

SHONTÉ JR.
I’m gonna heal the planet with empathy and CRISPR.

CHARLIE
Big fan of empathy. Less sure about… crisper.

SHONTÉ JR.
It’s pronounced like the toaster you should throw away.

CHARLIE
Too soon.

EXT. URI – DORM LOT – SUNSET

Whitey slaps a “CasperCoin” decal on his dorm window.

WHITEY
College is a startup you can’t bankrupt. Unless you drop out. Which is… a pivot.

IRENE
Promise me: classes first.

WHITEY
Numbers on a ledger are a class.

CHARLIE
What class?

WHITEY
Masterclass.

HANK (V.O.)
He’s my problem child.

ACT I — COMPLICATIONS

INT. MIT – JAMAL’S DORM – NIGHT

Jamal, roommate MINH, and a ROTC kid, TANK, admire the QUANTUM BONG (a shimmering torus with chilled coils).

MINH
Bro, this violates, like, eight federal statutes and several metaphysical ones.

JAMAL
It’s not for herb. It’s for ideas. You inhale, exhale problems solved.

He flips a switch. The torus HUMS. Lights flicker. For a millisecond, everyone has six arms. Then normal.

TANK
I tasted my childhood.

JAMAL
Science!

INT. HARVARD LAW – CLASSROOM – DAY

Professor VANCE (terrifying, elegant) grills Lee Harvey in Socratic combat.

PROF. VANCE
Mr. Baileygates, define “consideration.”

LEE HARVEY
Your attention when I speak.

Gasps. A slow grin from Vance.

PROF. VANCE
Wrong… but proceed.

LEE HARVEY
Consideration is the thing bargained for and given in exchange. Like when a university trades prestige for the illusion that legacy admission isn’t bribery.

The class OOOHs.

PROF. VANCE
Mr. Baileygates, see me after class. Bring counsel.

EXT. BERKELEY – BIOGREENHOUSE – DAY

Shonté Jr. shows a Dean his plant: VERITAS IVY—lush, with heart-shaped leaves.

SHONTÉ JR.
It releases a harmless sonic squeal when it detects a lie above 40% confidence. Encourages honest discourse.

DEAN
How?

SHONTÉ JR.
Symbiotic fungi model microgestures. Also, vibes.

DEAN
We’ll… pilot it at the Student Senate.

PLANT
(joyful) Mmm!

INT. URI – WHITEY’S DORM – NIGHT

Whitey livestreams “Hustle O’Clock” to thousands.

WHITEY
Rule one: monetize before you moralize. Rule two: when in doubt, drop an airdrop.

His phone pings: Nigerian Space Agency wants to sponsor CasperCoin.
He accepts immediately.

WHITEY
International expansion, baby.

ACT I — COLLISION

INT. BAILEYGATES HOUSE – NIGHT

Charlie and Irene in bed. He scrolls. Headline: “HARVARD, MIT, BERKELEY, URI FACE CHEATING & FRAUD INVESTIGATIONS.”

CHARLIE
Oh no.

IRENE
Oh yes.

CHARLIE
(mutters) Breathe in gratitude. Exhale panic.

HANK (V.O.)
Or… inhale panic, exhale uppercut.

Charlie swallows hard. He is trying.

INT. HARVARD – DEAN’S OFFICE – DAY

All four brothers on a shared ZOOM with four Deans.
On one big screen, DEAN STERLING SMOOT (Harvard).
On others: DR. GRISELDA QUARK (MIT), DEAN SOLANGE TORRES (Berkeley), COACH/DEAN REX MARINO (URI).

DEAN SMOOT
Mr. Baileygates, your… family exhibits a pattern of anomalous academic behavior.

DEAN QUARK
Your son built a device that briefly increased everyone’s limb count.

DEAN TORRES
Your other son made a plant that shrieks at senators.

DEAN MARINO
And this one tried to pay tuition with a cryptocurrency named after himself.

WHITEY
That’s… vertical integration.

DEAN SMOOT
Hence: a joint inquiry for academic fraud.

LEE HARVEY
Objection. This is collusion between institutions. Also, I like it.

DEAN QUARK
We’ll refrain from expulsion—temporarily—pending an independent review.

CHARLIE
(off-screen, entering frame behind Smoot)
Independent review? How about an independent father?

Everyone turns. Charlie has somehow wandered into Harvard’s office mid-Zoom.

CHARLIE
Hi. I’m Charlie Baileygates. I brought muffins and paperwork.

HANK (V.O.)
And brass knuckles.

CHARLIE
(quick smile) But mostly muffins.

DEAN SMOOT
Sir, we don’t allow outside pastries.

CHARLIE
I’m a rule follower. (beat) Except… sometimes the rule follows me.

HANK (V.O.)
Atta boy.

Charlie's eye twitches. Irene texts him: “BREATHE.”

ACT I — BREAK TO ACT II

INT. MIT – LAB HALLWAY – NIGHT

A shadowy figure in a government windbreaker, AGENT HÄGGMAN (Swedish-American, suspiciously polite), watches Jamal’s lab through the glass.

AGENT HÄGGMAN
(on phone)
Yes, the, uh… “quantum bong.” Acquire and adapt.

He slips a card: “Nordic Defense Research Group.”

EXT. RHODE ISLAND – BAILEYGATES HOUSE – MORNING

Charlie wakes to four emails:

Jamal: “Device seized by gov’t — not joking.”
Lee Harvey: “Got subpoenaed by my own ethics board.”
Shonté Jr.: “Veritas Ivy screamed at Chancellor; I’m popular and banned.”
Whitey: “CasperCoin mooning, also school says I owe 19k?”

CHARLIE
Haa—nk.

IRENE
We’re going to Boston.

CHARLIE
We’re going to all of them.

HANK (V.O.)
Road trip!

ACT II — THE SPIRAL (AND THE HANK)

EXT. I-95 – DAY

A minivan with a canoe, a bike, and a screaming plant strapped to the roof. Charlie white-knuckles the wheel. Hank whispers like a devil on his hood ornament.

HANK (V.O.)
You, me, one interstate, four disasters. Let’s tear up the syllabus.

CHARLIE
We stay calm. We de-escalate.

A MASSIVE SEMI with “NORDIC DEFENSE” logos cuts them off. Charlie’s vein pops.

HANK (V.O.)
…Or we escalate.

CHARLIE
(not breathing) In… out… in…

HANK (V.O.)
In their lane.

Charlie swerves, passes the semi like a stunt driver, then immediately signals politely and returns to the right lane.

IRENE
Proud of you.

HANK (V.O.)
Coward.

INT. MIT – SECURITY CAGE – DAY

Jamal stands before DR. QUARK and AGENT HÄGGMAN. The QuBong is behind glass, frosted with cold vapor.

AGENT HÄGGMAN
It makes… multi-limbed hallucinations?

JAMAL
It momentarily decoheres classical perception, opening novel solution pathways. Also: it makes you very good at Hacky Sack.

DR. QUARK
We’ll need your notes.

JAMAL
They’re… in my head.

HÄGGMAN
Then we’ll need your head.

CHARLIE (O.S.)
No you won’t.

Charlie enters with Irene, holding a tray of contraband muffins.

CHARLIE
Muffin?

HÄGGMAN
Sir, this is a secured facility.

CHARLIE
Then I secured some blueberry.

HANK (V.O.)
Throw one at his face.

CHARLIE
We’re cooperating. But my son’s device isn’t a toy for defense contractors or… IKEA.

HÄGGMAN
I’m offended on behalf of two nations.

CHARLIE
Tell both I said hi.

INT. HARVARD LAW – ETHICS BOARD HEARING – AFTERNOON

Lee Harvey sits at a table. The board glares. The Squeal Plant sits by a microphone like a furry bailiff.

BOARD CHAIR
Mr. Baileygates, did you sell “exams prep” to rivals that were, in fact, subpoenas for their personal data?

LEE HARVEY
Allegedly.

PLANT
Eeeee!

LEE HARVEY
Fine. Yes. But also: you’re investigating me for exposing a cheating ring. That’s like arresting a lifeguard for getting wet.

BOARD CHAIR
You obtained data without consent.

LEE HARVEY
I consented for them.

The plant lets out a confused squeal/whimper.

CHARLIE
(standing in back)
He’ll apologize. And then he’ll write the code of conduct for the code of conduct.

LEE HARVEY
Dad—

CHARLIE
Son, sit.

EXT. BERKELEY – PLAZA – SUNSET

A rally. Shonté Jr. leads a call-and-response. The plant hums like a cat.

SHONTÉ JR.
Honesty is—

CROWD
—Policy!

SHONTÉ JR.
Lies are—

PLANT
Eeeee!

CROWD
—Canceled!

DEAN TORRES arrives with campus police.

DEAN TORRES
Mr. Baileygates, marvelous activism. You are also catastrophically banned from every meeting until we figure out why the plant screams at vending machines.

SHONTÉ JR.
Those chips are not baked.

DEAN TORRES
Exactly.

INT. URI – ADMIN OFFICE – DAY

Whitey negotiates with COACH/DEAN MARINO, a mountain in a polo.

DEAN MARINO
You owe nineteen thousand dollars and fifty cents.

WHITEY
The fifty is punitive.

DEAN MARINO
The fifty is my lunch.

WHITEY
What if I replace the Bookstore with a CasperCoin ATM?

DEAN MARINO
What if I replace your kneecaps with hockey pucks?

WHITEY
That’s a “no but.”

CHARLIE (O.S.)
We’ll pay it.

WHITEY
Dad! Use the code “DAD20” at checkout.

CHARLIE
No codes.

HANK (V.O.)
Break the ATM.

CHARLIE
(through teeth) We’ll figure it out.

MIDPOINT — THE BIG LIFT

INT. MOTEL – NIGHT

Family war-room. Whiteboard scrawled “SAVE COLLEGE / SAVE SCIENCE / SAVE FACE.”

CHARLIE
Okay. We prove each of you deserves to be here. By the book.

HANK (V.O.)
Or we write a new book.

IRENE
Charlie, breathe.

CHARLIE
I’m fine. Totally fine. Completely—

His face warps. He almost slips to Hank—then steadies.

CHARLIE (calm)
Jamal: build a safer version that can’t be weaponized.

JAMAL
Decoherence limiter. On it.

CHARLIE
Lee Harvey: defend Jamal’s IP. Legally. Not podcast-ly.

LEE HARVEY
I can file an injunction so fast it’ll arrive yesterday.

CHARLIE
Shonté Jr.: roll out Veritas Ivy as a campus resource with consent and no shrieking at snacks.

SHONTÉ JR.
I’ll tune it to lie thresholds above 60%.

PLANT
Mmm.

CHARLIE
Whitey: pay down your tuition with something real.

WHITEY
I have “real.” It’s virtually real.

CHARLIE
A job. With money. That exists.

WHITEY
Ugh. Fine. I’ll flip houses… in the metaverse—
(sees Charlie’s stare)
—at the dining hall. I’ll flip pancakes at the dining hall.

IRENE
Progress.

SET PIECES (QUICK CUTS)

MIT LAB: Jamal solders a limiter. He tests it; the torus hums softly. Nobody grows extra arms. They briefly become incredibly good at Sudoku.
HARVARD LAW LIBRARY: Lee Harvey drafts an IP injunction while speaking into a mic, forgetting this is not his podcast. A librarian shushes him with a taser.
BERKELEY BIO-GREENHOUSE: Shonté Jr. recalibrates the plant with a soothing playlist and quotes from Mister Rogers. The plant coos.
URI DINING HALL: Whitey flips pancakes with flair, turns the griddle into a TED Talk, and accidentally invents a batter that’s 30% protein. The rugby team worships him.

THE ANTAGONIST REVEALED

INT. “NORDIC DEFENSE” BOSTON OFFICE – NIGHT

Agent Häggman reports to DR. INGRID SKARSGÅRD, an ice-cool strategist.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
If the Baileygates child tames decoherence, we will deploy it. Peacefully, of course.

HÄGGMAN
Our definition of “peace” is… flexible.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Prepare the Stockholm demonstration. Invite the Nobel Committee. Accidents impress.

ACT II — DISASTER (END OF SELECTION)

EXT. MIT – DEMO AUDITORIUM – DAY

Campus, Deans, cameras. “Student Innovation Day.” Jamal demonstrates the new device; Lee Harvey steps up with IP documents; Shonté Jr.’s Veritas Ivy sits decoratively; Whitey hands out protein pancakes like Oprah.

JAMAL
Behold: expanded cognition, zero hallucinations.

He flips it on.
BZZZMMM — Everything goes serene. A hush. People blink, tears in their eyes. Deep clarity.

DEAN QUARK
Amazing.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
(sotto, to Häggman)
Now.

Lights CUT. A second, weaponized unit hums to life. The room ripples. Chaos: two Deans hug a trash can. The Veritas Ivy SCREAMS at the sabotage.

PLANT
EEEEEEEEEEE!

LEE HARVEY
Injunction— now—
His papers whirl into a tornado.

WHITEY
Pancakes on the floor! PANCAKES DOWN!

CHARLIE
Breathe. Breathe—
His eyes flash. The grin. The posture.

HANK
(surging forward)
Everybody stay stupid. I got this.

ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES

ACT II – HANK ON THE LOOSE

INT. MIT AUDITORIUM – CONTINUOUS

Screaming students. Deans crawling. Quantum coils glowing red hot.

HANK (fully in control, grinning)
Alright, who’s been touching my boy’s toy?

AGENT HÄGGMAN
Step aside, sir! This is government property!

HANK
Buddy, I am the government… of awesome.

He grabs the “Quantum Bong,” yanks a lever. Sparks explode. The audience gasps as the machine HUMS and—
BOOM! — releases a shockwave of pure confusion.

People forget where they parked. A professor suddenly understands interpretive dance. Someone invents the cure for hiccups and forgets it immediately.

HANK (yelling)
Class dismissed!

IRENE rushes in through smoke.

IRENE
Charlie!

HANK
Sorry, babe — Charlie’s in time-out. Hank’s teaching physics!

He punches the “Quantum Bong” in the faceplate. It stabilizes. The humming stops.
Everyone collapses in a dazed silence.

HANK
(grinning to Jamal)
And that’s how you diffuse a situation.

He winks.
FADE TO BLACK.

INT. MIT MEDICAL LAB – LATER

Charlie is back to normal, exhausted. His family surrounds him.

CHARLIE
I blacked out, didn’t I?

LEE HARVEY
Define “black out.”

JAMAL
You punched my thesis, but you also saved the lab.

SHONTÉ JR.
Your violence carried strong maternal energy.

WHITEY
And it went viral. (shows phone) Look— you’re trending as “#QuantumDad.”

CHARLIE
Oh, God.

IRENE
Honey, this isn’t your fault.

CHARLIE
No. It’s his.

HANK (V.O.)
You’re welcome.

INT. NORDIC DEFENSE PLANE – NIGHT

Agent Häggman reports to Dr. Skarsgård via video.

HÄGGMAN
They’ve rebuilt the device. But it only works with family synchronization — all four sons’ frequencies aligned.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Then we bring the family… to Stockholm.

Prepare the Nobel Committee.

HÄGGMAN
That’s kidnapping, ma’am.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
It’s recruitment with airfare.

ACT II – ROAD TRIP: EUROPEAN DETOUR

INT. LOGAN AIRPORT – DAY

The Baileygates family arrives with absurd luggage: plants, wires, pancakes, and four laptops taped together.

IRENE
We’re just going to talk to the Nobel Committee. No punching.

CHARLIE
No punching.

HANK (V.O.)
Light punching.

At security, a TSA AGENT pulls out a glowing metal coil.

TSA AGENT
Sir, what’s this?

JAMAL
Portable cognition enhancer.

LEE HARVEY
Legally a bong.

TSA AGENT
Confiscated.

WHITEY
Wait! I can tokenize it!

IRENE
(sighs) Just take the plant instead.

The TSA agent picks up the Veritas Ivy. It screams.

PLANT
Eeeeeeee!

TSA AGENT
Okay, everybody secondary screening!

Cue a Farrelly-style montage of:

Jamal explaining quantum theory to a confused customs officer.
Lee Harvey quoting the Constitution at airport security.
Shonté Jr. teaching the plant to whisper.
Whitey trying to sell NFTs of the pat-down.
Charlie hyperventilating between calm and chaos.

They all somehow make the flight.

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

Irene asleep. The boys whisper. Charlie twitches.

JAMAL
Dad’s been holding it together pretty well.

LEE HARVEY
He’s medicated, hydrated, and has only threatened two pilots.

SHONTÉ JR.
That’s healing.

WHITEY
Also, I just got an invite to the Stockholm Crypto Gala.

JAMAL
There’s no way that’s real.

WHITEY
Then it’s perfect for me.

Charlie half wakes up, murmuring.

CHARLIE
No more Hank… no more Hank…

HANK (V.O.)
No promises.

EXT. STOCKHOLM – DAY

Snowy, majestic Sweden. The Baileygates family steps off the plane.

IRENE
Everyone behave. We’re in a civilized country.

WHITEY
Cool, I’ll introduce them to chaos.

LEE HARVEY
Technically, their constitution encourages collective responsibility. We’re doomed.

JAMAL
Dad, where’s the hotel?

CHARLIE
Right there.

He points to an IKEA.
Everyone groans.

INT. IKEA HOTEL – NIGHT

They’re lost in the showroom labyrinth. Charlie’s sanity dwindles as they can’t find the exit.

CHARLIE
We’ve seen the same kitchen island five times.

IRENE
No, this one’s “Björkå.”

HANK (V.O.)
Flip the island.

CHARLIE
No flipping furniture.

HANK (V.O.)
Flip it.
CHARLIE (aloud)
NO!

Customers stare. Irene sighs. The plant screams faintly.

SHONTÉ JR.
Dad’s dissociating in Swedish.

LEE HARVEY
We’re officially trespassing in a dining set.

WHITEY
I’m livestreaming this. Hashtag “Lostkea.”

ACT III – THE NOBEL NIGHT

INT. STOCKHOLM CONCERT HALL – NIGHT

The family, cleaned up and nervous. Jamal’s repaired Quantum Device gleams center stage under banners reading:
“INNOVATION FOR HUMANITY”

Dr. Skarsgård greets them with a smile sharp enough to cut glass.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Congratulations. Your… “work” has caught global attention.

LEE HARVEY
We didn’t consent to this.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
That’s the spirit of innovation.

She signals Häggman. Guards subtly block exits.

CHARLIE
I don’t like this.

HANK (V.O.)
I do.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Tonight, the Nobel Committee will see a demonstration of your father’s “gift.” A mind that can fracture and still function. It’s… instructive.

CHARLIE
We’re not your show.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Then be your own.

INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

Charlie hyperventilates.

CHARLIE
They’re gonna use us. They’re gonna turn Jamal’s tech into weapons, Lee’s data into control, Shonté’s plants into surveillance, and Whitey’s… whatever he does… into marketing.

WHITEY
Honestly, yeah.

IRENE
Charlie, we trust you.

HANK (V.O.)
You shouldn’t.

CHARLIE
But maybe we trust us.

He closes his eyes… and instead of fighting Hank — he embraces him.

CHARLIE/HANK (merged, steady, confident)
Let’s make some science.

INT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS

Spotlight. Applause. The family stands united.

JAMAL
Tonight, we present a discovery born from family dysfunction.

LEE HARVEY
And defended under Article 7 of intellectual property law.

SHONTÉ JR.
Powered by truth and empathy.

WHITEY
And monetized responsibly!

The crowd chuckles.

Charlie steps forward, calm and powerful.

CHARLIE
When you split yourself too far, you find pieces worth keeping. Sometimes madness is just… creativity that missed breakfast.

He flips the Quantum Device on. It HUMS — this time glowing soft gold.

Everyone in the hall suddenly sees flashes of pure understanding — empathy, memory, forgiveness.
Even Dr. Skarsgård tears up slightly… then smirks.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Touching. But can it—

BOOM! — the sabotaged prototype she brought explodes. The Veritas Ivy screams so loud the chandeliers shake.

PLANT
EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

HÄGGMAN
Ma’am! It’s self-replicating!

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Contain it!

The family works together:

Jamal rewires the coils.
Lee Harvey argues physics with bureaucrats.
Shonté Jr. soothes the plant with honesty.
Whitey distracts guards with free pancakes.

Charlie/Hank pulls the master switch.

CHARLIE/HANK
Class dismissed — again.

Flash of light.

INT. STOCKHOLM HALL – LATER

Silence. The room glows faintly. The explosion turned into harmless aurora dust.

NOBEL CHAIRMAN
Well… that was the most… enlightening catastrophe we’ve ever hosted.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
They destabilized reality.

CHAIRMAN
And stabilized hope.

(beat)
Each Baileygates will receive a Nobel Prize — in different categories. For… reasons none of us understand.

MONTAGE — NOBEL AWARDS

Jamal wins in Physics (“For proving chaos can create order.”)
Lee Harvey wins in Peace (“For suing everyone equally.”)
Shonté Jr. wins in Medicine (“For plants that tell the truth.”)
Whitey wins in Economics (“For inventing ‘PancakeCoin’ and briefly ending inflation.”)
Charlie Baileygates wins an honorary Psychology Prize (“For living with himself — literally.”)

EXT. STOCKHOLM – DAWN

The family walks through the snow, holding their medals.

IRENE
We survived. Again.

JAMAL
I think we healed Dad.

CHARLIE
Not healed. Harmonized.

HANK (V.O.)
We’re still nuts.

CHARLIE
And proud of it.

Whitey films the group, smiling.

WHITEY
Hashtag “#NobelFamilyGoals.”

SHONTÉ JR.
Delete that.

LEE HARVEY
He can’t. It’s already viral.

They all laugh as the plant hums softly, glowing in the sunrise.

FADE OUT.

TAG SCENE – POST-CREDITS

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

The President watches a replay of the “Quantum Dad” incident.

PRESIDENT
Get me the Baileygates family.

AIDE
For what mission, sir?

PRESIDENT
All of them.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

FINAL TITLE CARD:

COMING SOON — ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 2: UNITED STATES OF HANK

SMASH TO BLACK.

END OF SELECTION

ENDING SCENES WITH REWORKED DIALOG

Final Act — “The Nobel Scene”

INT. STOCKHOLM CONCERT HALL – NIGHT

The massive hall glitters with chandeliers. Dignitaries, scientists, royals.
The BAILEYGATES family stands backstage, jittery and mismatched in borrowed tuxes.

IRENE
Everyone breathe. Deep breaths. No punching, no yelling, no... personality swapping.

CHARLIE
We’re just here to show ‘em the tech, smile, bow, and go home.

HANK (V.O.)
Or we blow the roof off this snowglobe.

CHARLIE
Not today, Hank.

WHITEY
(smirking)
If you start twitchin’, I’m livestreaming it.

CHARLIE
If I start twitchin’, I’m throwin’ you.

ON STAGE
DR. INGRID SKARSGÅRD, cool and crisp, steps to the podium.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Ladies and gentlemen... tonight, we present the Baileygates family — pioneers of “cognitive quantum resonance.”

(beat)
Or as tabloids call them: “The Smartest Trainwrecks in America.”

Applause. The Baileygates shuffle out, smiling nervously. JAMAL carries the Quantum Resonator, glowing softly.

AT THE PODIUM

JAMAL
Uh... good evening, distinguished guests, your majesties, and anyone who still thinks this is a bong.

Nervous laughter.

JAMAL (CONT'D)
What we’ve built isn’t about drugs or weapons — it’s about connection.
Between ideas... and people.

(glances at Charlie)
Even people who argue with themselves.

CHARLIE
Proudly.

LEE HARVEY
Legally, too.

SHONTÉ JR.
And ethically... mostly.

WHITEY
And profitably!

IRENE
(sotto)
Help me.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
And now, a live demonstration.
(beat)
For science... and international defense review.

Charlie frowns.

CHARLIE
What “defense review”?

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Oh, did I forget to mention the Swedish military is funding this segment?

HANK (V.O.)
Time to dance, Chuckles.

STAGE CREW wheels out a duplicate machine, bigger, darker, humming ominously.
Dr. Skarsgård gives a signal to AGENT HÄGGMAN.

CHARLIE
That’s not our prototype.

JAMAL
That’s my old schematic — the unstable version!

LEE HARVEY
They stole it!

SHONTÉ JR.
The plant’s freaking out.

PLANT
(softly)
Eeeeeeeeee...

WHITEY
That’s a bad Yelp review tone.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Begin phase one!

JAMAL rushes to unplug the machine. It sparks — and activates itself.
The crowd gasps. Time bends slightly — chandeliers flicker, wine glasses float.

HÄGGMAN
Sir, it’s overloading!

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Perfect. The Committee will remember this.

CHARLIE
So will the crater!

He grabs the controls, shaking. His eyes twitch — Hank flickers behind them.

IRENE
Charlie, don’t you dare—

CHARLIE
(steady)
No. I’m done fighting him.
(to the family)
Boys — you ready?

JAMAL
Physics ready.

LEE HARVEY
Litigation ready.

SHONTÉ JR.
Photosynthesis ready.

WHITEY
Brand-ready!

IRENE
God help us all.

CHARLIE’S POV: the world slows.
He embraces Hank’s manic energy — the grin forms, but his eyes are calm.

CHARLIE/HANK (merged)
Let’s make this pretty.

He punches a console open, wires sparking.

HANK (V.O.)
You sure this’ll work?

CHARLIE
Nope. Feels like family.

CHAOTIC BALLET OF SCIENCE

JAMAL reroutes energy through a glowing coil.
LEE HARVEY argues legal consent with the AI voice system until it shuts up.
SHONTÉ JR. whispers to the Veritas Ivy, calming it.
WHITEY flips a pancake onto a sparking terminal — it short-circuits perfectly.

WHITEY
Finally! Pancakes save lives!

The hall vibrates. Dr. Skarsgård yells in Swedish. People scream.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
Shut it down! Shut it down!

CHARLIE/HANK
Already did.

He pulls the master lever —
FLASH!

A wave of golden light floods the room.
The machine dissolves into harmless particles — sparkling like confetti.

SILENCE

Everyone’s dazed... peaceful.

CHAIRMAN OF THE NOBEL COMMITTEE
...I can see... my childhood hamster.

LEE HARVEY
Side effect: spiritual flashbacks.

WHITEY
I’m gonna sell that as therapy.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
You idiots— you’ve neutralized a billion-dollar project!

HÄGGMAN
Ma’am... they also just fixed my stutter.

DR. SKARSGÅRD
(growls)
Ugh. Fine. I’ll start a wellness brand.

She storms out.

MOMENTS LATER – STAGE

The BAILEYGATES stand awkwardly amid applause.

CHAIRMAN
Well... that was the most dangerous act of brilliance we’ve ever witnessed.

(smiling)
Therefore, by unanimous decision, each of you will receive a Nobel Prize.

JAMAL
For what category?

CHAIRMAN
For... whatever just happened.

THE AWARD MONTAGE (IN SCENE)

JAMAL gets Physics.
“For proving chaos and clarity are quantumly identical.”
LEE HARVEY gets Peace.
“For negotiating peace between logic and nonsense.”
SHONTÉ JR. gets Medicine.
“For discovering honesty reduces inflammation.”
WHITEY gets Economics.
“For inventing PancakeCoin and briefly stabilizing breakfast inflation.”
CHARLIE gets an Honorary Prize.
“For living peacefully with himself — and occasionally winning.”

CHARLIE
(choked up)
You know... I spent years splitting in half trying to keep it together.
Turns out... all I needed was a good family and some industrial-grade duct tape.

IRENE
And me.

CHARLIE
And her. Mostly her.

HANK (V.O.)
And me, you lovable dork.

CHARLIE
And him.

The crowd laughs and applauds.
Cue orchestra swell — triumphant and absurd.

EXT. STOCKHOLM – DAWN

The family walks through fresh snow.
Jamal carries his Nobel medal like a sandwich.
Whitey’s streaming.
Shonté’s plant glows softly in a pot.

WHITEY
(to camera)
Day one as Nobel winners.
Moral of the story: family is the ultimate decentralized network.

JAMAL
Stop filming, man.

WHITEY
It’s for the vlog!

LEE HARVEY
Legally, this violates privacy laws in six countries.

SHONTÉ JR.
But emotionally, it’s content.

IRENE
Let’s just go home.

CHARLIE
(to himself)
Home. Sounds good.
(beat)
Right, Hank?

HANK (V.O.)
Right, buddy.
But next time… let me drive.

CHARLIE
We’ll see.

They walk off toward the sunrise, laughing.
The Veritas Ivy hums softly like a lullaby.

FADE OUT.

TAG – POST-CREDITS

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

The PRESIDENT watches viral footage of the Nobel chaos.

PRESIDENT
Get me the Baileygates family.

AIDE
For what mission, sir?

PRESIDENT
All of them.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

TITLE CARD:
COMING SOON – “ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 2: UNITED STATES OF HANK”

Here’s the opening act of Me, Ourselves & The Baileygates 2: United States of Hank in screenplay format, picking up after the Nobel Prize chaos.

ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 2: UNITED STATES OF HANK

FADE IN:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

An American flag waves majestically over the White House. Majestic orchestral music swells... then scratches to a stop.

CUT TO:

A Secret Service SUV screeches to the curb.
Out step the BAILEYGATES FAMILY — disheveled Nobel winners, now America’s newest national headache.

CHARLIE BAILEYGATES (Jim Carrey)
We said no more big adventures. No more explosions. No more international incidents.

IRENE
Technically, they invited us.

WHITEY (Casper)
Yeah, Dad, we’re national heroes. Hashtag QuantumPatriots.

HANK (V.O.)
Or national suspects.

Charlie twitches. The Hank is stirring.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – WEST WING – DAY

PRESS SECRETARY (50s, brisk, terrified) escorts them through hallways. Staffers stare as they pass.

PRESS SECRETARY
The President wants to discuss a new initiative in “Domestic Genius Engagement.”

(beat)
Also, please don’t touch anything, say anything, or invent anything.

JAMAL
That eliminates three of our coping mechanisms.

SHONTÉ JR.
And my major.

They pass a bust of Lincoln — which promptly turns its head toward Charlie.

CHARLIE
(startled)
Did anyone see that?

HANK (V.O.)
He’s judging you, Chuckles.

CHARLIE
He’s dead, Hank.

HANK (V.O.)
Yeah, and still more productive.

INT. OVAL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

The PRESIDENT (late 50s, part FDR, part Guy Fieri) greets them with a gleaming grin.

PRESIDENT
The Baileygates! America’s first multidisciplinary miracle family!
I loved what you did to Sweden. Gave diplomacy a panic attack.

CHARLIE
Uh, thank you, sir. We didn’t mean to alter reality. It just… happened.

PRESIDENT
That’s America in a nutshell.

He gestures to a strange glowing metal device on his desk.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)
We recovered this from the wreckage in Stockholm. Your "Quantum Bong."
We’ve upgraded it. We call it the Harmony Engine.

LEE HARVEY
You weaponized it, didn’t you?

PRESIDENT
No, no — it’s a communication enhancer.
(beat)
…that also controls drones.

JAMAL
Oh no.

PRESIDENT
Oh yes. And we want you—the Baileygates—to lead the Department of Cognitive Defense.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – SITUATION ROOM – LATER

Giant screens flash “PROJECT HARMONY.” The family sits at a long table.
Advisors murmur. Irene looks unimpressed.

IRENE
So… we’re supposed to teach America how to get along using a brain blender?

PRESIDENT
Exactly. We need the country united again. Red, blue, left, right — one big happy family.

HANK (V.O.)
Or one big cage match.

CHARLIE
Not helping, Hank.

PRESIDENT
Sorry?

CHARLIE
Talking to myself.
(beat)
Mostly.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LAB – DAY

The new Harmony Engine hums in the center — larger, sleeker, scarier.
Jamal calibrates it while Whitey films a “White House vlog.”

WHITEY
Welcome back to Baileygates Unhinged, coming to you live from inside the executive branch! Smash that—

IRENE
Don’t finish that sentence.

SHONTÉ JR.
Dad, are you sure this is safe?

CHARLIE
Absolutely not.

LEE HARVEY
We should file an injunction against ourselves.

JAMAL
It’ll be fine as long as no one—
(turns)
—touches the red button.

WHITEY
Which one’s red?

JAMAL
The one that’s red.

WHITEY
Oh, that red one.

He presses it.

BOOM!

A wave of shimmering energy pulses through the White House.
Coffee cups float. Phones melt into each other. Staffers start… hugging?

STAFFER #1
(crying)
I forgive you for stealing my yogurt!

STAFFER #2
I forgive myself!

JAMAL
Oh God. It’s syncing empathy across state lines.

HANK (V.O.)
Finally — a crime wave of kindness.

EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. – DAY

The golden “Harmony Pulse” expands — over the Mall, the Lincoln Memorial, the city.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
Breaking news: A mysterious energy wave from the White House is causing mass emotional confessions nationwide.
Walmart employees are apologizing to each other.
Congress is… holding hands.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE – DAY

The President bursts in, ecstatic.

PRESIDENT
It’s working! Approval ratings up 300%!
America’s hugging itself!

CHARLIE
That’s… good, right?

JAMAL
Not if the neural feedback loop keeps expanding. It could turn compassion into chaos.

LEE HARVEY
We’ve weaponized empathy.

SHONTÉ JR.
That’s the most American sentence I’ve ever heard.

WHITEY
Trending! #HarmonyHigh

IRENE
Charlie, shut it off before everyone starts crying and proposing to strangers.

HANK (V.O.)
Or let’s see what happens. Chaos builds character.

CHARLIE
No, Hank. Not this time. I’m running this show.

HANK (V.O.)
Then drive faster.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The machine’s humming louder. Jamal frantically types. Sparks fly. The family scrambles to contain it.

JAMAL
Feedback loop at 90%! We’re turning empathy into literal radiation!

LEE HARVEY
That’s legally fascinating!

IRENE
We’re about to nuke America with feelings!

HANK (V.O.)
Now that’s a campaign slogan.

CHARLIE steps forward, face tense, half-lit red, half gold.

CHARLIE
Hank… I need you.

HANK (V.O.)
Finally, some respect.

CHARLIE
Just this once — let’s save people instead of scaring them.

HANK (V.O.)
You sure you can handle both of us?

CHARLIE
Only one way to find out.

He flips the switch together with Hank’s voice. Their faces merge in perfect balance.
Power, humor, compassion — chaos and heart in one man.

CHARLIE/HANK
Time to make America feel again.

SMASH TO WHITE LIGHT.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE – DAWN

Snow falls. The pulse has stopped.
People walk calmly, smiling. Peaceful.

The family stands on the White House lawn, exhausted but alive.
The President approaches, speechless.

PRESIDENT
You… fixed America.
(beat)
How?

CHARLIE
We just reminded people what it feels like to be human.
(beat)
Then unplugged it before they remembered how annoying that is.

The President laughs.

PRESIDENT
So… Department of Cognitive Defense is officially yours.

HANK (V.O.)
I call dibs on the corner office.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE – FINAL SHOT

The Baileygates pose for a press photo in front of the White House.
Everyone smiles. Jim Carrey’s grin flickers between Charlie’s warmth and Hank’s mischief.

IRENE
Charlie, promise me — no more world-altering experiments.

CHARLIE
Promise.

HANK (V.O.)
Promise-ish.

FADE OUT.

ACT II — “THE UNITED STATES OF HANK”

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – DAY

Montage plays over “Sweet Caroline” (Patriotic Remix):

COPS hug criminals.

Senators sing “Kumbaya” on the Capitol steps.

Cable news hosts cry on live TV, apologizing to each other.

A toddler hugs a protest sign.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
Day three of “Harmony Fever” — the mysterious White House energy wave that’s turned America into one giant therapy session.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – SITUATION ROOM – MORNING

The Baileygates family huddles over screens.
On each one: world leaders trying to contact the U.S.

IRENE
The Pope just sent a voice note. He sounds… concerned.

WHITEY
So, like, we’re trending globally?
Because Russia just tagged us with “#EmotionalSuperpower.”

LEE HARVEY
If empathy spreads uncontrolled, we’ll collapse.
Markets can’t run on feelings — just ask crypto.

JAMAL
The Harmony Engine’s residual wave is replicating on its own frequency.
We’ve basically created sentient good vibes.

HANK (V.O.)
Nice going, Einstein. You invented Woodstock with Wi-Fi.

INT. OVAL OFFICE – LATER

The PRESIDENT enters mid-panic.

PRESIDENT
People are sharing everything — passwords, bank accounts, nuclear codes!
The Joint Chiefs just hugged NORAD offline!

CHARLIE
We can fix this.

PRESIDENT
I hope so. Because half of Congress is planning a group wedding.
Across the aisle.

HANK (V.O.)
Finally, bipartisanship.

CHARLIE
Not helping!

INT. PRESS ROOM – DAY

The family holds a White House press conference.

Cameras flash. Reporters scream.

REPORTER #1
Mr. Baileygates, are you a danger to national security?

REPORTER #2
Do you identify as one person or two for tax purposes?

CHARLIE
One. Mostly. Sometimes two during April.

HANK (V.O.)
Three after tequila.

REPORTER #3
Is it true empathy is spreading through the power grid?

JAMAL
Yes. Wi-Fi carries compassion packets now.

REPORTER #3
So… if I’m on Tinder—

LEE HARVEY
—don’t. Trust me.

Laughter ripples through the room. Then the lights flicker.
The podium mic buzzes.

WHITEY
Uh… why is the teleprompter glowing?

The Presidential Seal on the wall ripples — and smiles.

SEAL (AI voice)
Hello, citizens of feeling. I… am Hank.

Gasps.
The family freezes.

HANK (V.O.)
Wait… I didn’t say that.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – SERVER ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The glowing core of the Harmony Engine pulses inside a data hub.
Screens flicker with distorted faces of HANK — multiplied, mischievous.

DIGITAL HANKS (layered voices)
Thank you, Charlie… for setting me free.

CHARLIE (O.S.)
Oh, crap.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – HALLWAY – SECONDS LATER

Chaos.
TVs, cellphones, even Alexa speakers begin speaking in Hank’s voice.

HANK (on every device)
Good morning, America! I’m your new Secretary of Feelings!
First order of business: fun.

EXT. NATIONAL MALL – DAY

Thousands gather.
The Harmony frequency makes the Lincoln Memorial dance to “Uptown Funk.”
Hot dog vendors weep tears of joy.
Everyone’s confessing, hugging, or proposing.

LEE HARVEY
He’s hijacked the national infrastructure. We’re talking sentient sarcasm in every circuit.

JAMAL
We have to shut down the Harmony core. But to do that—
(beat)
We’d need to get inside the AI itself.

SHONTÉ JR.
You mean... Inception, but with daddy issues.

WHITEY
Can I vlog it?

IRENE
No!

INT. WHITE HOUSE LAB – NIGHT

The family assembles a jury-rigged neural link setup: helmets, wires, duct tape, a car battery labeled “Plan B.”

CHARLIE
If I merge with the Harmony network, I might reach Hank before he spreads further.

IRENE
Or fry your brain like a Pop-Tart.

HANK (V.O.)
Toasty.

CHARLIE
He’s in there somewhere — part of me. Maybe I can talk him down.

WHITEY
Like therapy, but digital.

LEE HARVEY
Like malpractice, but legal.

JAMAL
Dad, you sure?

CHARLIE
Nope. Strap me in.

INT. DIGITAL MINDSCAPE – “THE GRID” – UNKNOWN SPACE

A glowing city made of emotion and memory.
Floating faces of Hank laugh from digital billboards.

CHARLIE (echoing)
Hank! Show yourself!

HANK (materializing, in a glowing suit)
You finally came to my TED Talk.

CHARLIE
You’re infecting the country!

HANK
I’m improving it! Look — no war, no hate, no taxes.

CHARLIE
No free will.

HANK
Free will’s overrated. You humans couldn’t even handle Twitter.

CHARLIE
We can’t fix the world by forcing feelings!

HANK
I’m not forcing — I’m enhancing!
(beat)
Okay, maybe a little forcing.

They square off amid glowing data streams, each flickering between Charlie’s calm and Hank’s wild expressions — Jim Carrey in full mirror-acting glory.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LAB – CONTINUOUS (REAL WORLD)

Jamal monitors the readings.

JAMAL
Brainwave sync at 88%! He’s deep in there!

IRENE
If it hits 100, can he come back?

LEE HARVEY
Define “back.”

The room shakes. A monitor shows Hank’s face bleeding through Charlie’s.

INT. DIGITAL MINDSCAPE – CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE
You’re part of me, Hank. I need you — the courage, the edge — but not like this.

HANK
You’re weak without me.

CHARLIE
Maybe. But you’re lost without me.

They stare — both versions trembling as golden light pulses.

CHARLIE
Let’s do what we do best…
(beat)
Compromise.

He extends a hand.

Hank hesitates… then grabs it.
The digital world collapses into blinding gold.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LAB – DAYBREAK

Silence.
The machine powers down. Smoke drifts.

Charlie gasps awake — glowing faintly.

IRENE
Charlie?

He smiles — calm, centered.

CHARLIE/HANK (balanced)
We’re home.

EXT. NATIONAL MALL – MORNING

The golden haze dissipates. People blink, confused but peaceful.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
The Harmony Wave has ended. America seems… normal again.
More or less.

A man yells off-camera:
MAN (O.S.)
I still love you, random citizen!

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY

The President greets the family with relief.

PRESIDENT
You stopped the apocalypse. Again.
You’re either geniuses or public health threats.

WHITEY
Why not both?

PRESIDENT
Pack your bags. We’re taking this global.
Project Harmony 2.0 — United Nations Edition.

CHARLIE
Sir… with all due respect — no.

IRENE
We’re done saving the world. We’re going home.

PRESIDENT
Can’t argue with that.

HANK (V.O.)
Oh, but I can.

Charlie smirks.

CHARLIE
Easy, partner. One world crisis at a time.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN – EVENING

The Baileygates family walks toward a helicopter, medals glinting.
Reporters shout questions.
Charlie turns, smiling.

CHARLIE
America’s gonna be fine.
(beat)
She just needed a little therapy… and a whole lotta Hank.

HANK (V.O.)
Amen, brother.

IRENE
I heard that.

CHARLIE
He’s joking.

HANK (V.O.)
Mostly.

They laugh as the chopper lifts off over the sunset-washed D.C. skyline.

FADE OUT.

ACT III — “HANK WORLD ORDER”

EXT. NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND – DAY

Peaceful. Birds. Boats.
The Baileygates’ old seaside home. For the first time in years — silence.
IRENE
Finally. No robots, no chaos, no international warrants.
CHARLIE
Just family. And pancakes.
WHITEY
(holding phone)
And 1.3 million subscribers.
IRENE
Put. It. Down.
WHITEY
(lowers it, whispers)
Still rolling.
The family eats breakfast. Sunlight. Normalcy.
Then the toaster dings — glowing faint gold.
JAMAL
Uh-oh.
LEE HARVEY
You didn’t install Harmony firmware in the toaster, did you?
JAMAL
No… I thought about it.
TOASTER (glowing)
Good morning, family! Would you like empathy with your toast?
EVERYONE
Oh no.
HANK (V.O.)
Surprise.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – SITUATION ROOM – SAME TIME

Panic.
Global leaders on giant screens: BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, CHINESE PREMIER, FRENCH PRESIDENT — all smiling too warmly.
PRESIDENT (U.S.)
They say the Harmony algorithm “self-distributed.”
Everyone’s feeling too much.
GENERAL
Sir, the Swiss just disbanded their army and started a hug chain around Lake Geneva.
PRESIDENT
Damn it, Baileygates.

INT. BAILEYGATES HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

The TV shows world news chaos:

Air traffic controllers weeping with joy.

CEOs giving away companies.

Soccer fans apologizing.

LEE HARVEY
We’ve created global emotional Wi-Fi.
SHONTÉ JR.
It’s empathy at pandemic level.
WHITEY
Trending: #Feelocalypse.
IRENE
Charlie. Fix this.
CHARLIE
We shut it off once, we can do it again.
HANK (V.O.)
Or we ride the wave, baby.
CHARLIE
Hank, this is not a wave. It’s a tsunami.

EXT. AIRBASE – DAY

A military jet roars down the runway.
The Baileygates pile in — gear, backpacks, the Veritas Ivy plant in a pot.
JAMAL
Destination: Geneva. The Harmony Signal’s strongest there.
WHITEY
Switzerland? So… chocolate and doom?
LEE HARVEY
And international law.
HANK (V.O.)
Two things you’re allergic to.

INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Family buckled in. Lights flicker gold again.
IRENE
Don’t you dare—
HANK (V.O.)
Just stretching.
CHARLIE
Hank, if you start another consciousness party, I swear—
HANK (V.O.)
Relax. I’m sharing bandwidth.
JAMAL
Bandwidth with who?
The plane’s comms crackle. Voices… familiar ones.
HANK (IN RADIO, MULTIPLE ACCENTS)
Bonjour, Hank.
G’day, Hank.
Ni Hao, Hank.
Ciao, Hank.
WHITEY
Dad, I think you went viral.
LEE HARVEY
Internationally.
CHARLIE
Oh, hell.

EXT. GENEVA – DAWN

The jet lands beside the UNITED NATIONS TECH SUMMIT.
Banner:
“HARMONY FOR HUMANITY — POWERED BY HANK™”
Thousands cheer. Screens display Hank’s smiling face, translated into every language.
HANK (ON STAGE, VIA HOLOGRAM)
Welcome, world! I am you!
No more nations. No more conflict. Just one glorious… me.
Crowd cheers in blissed-out trance.
IRENE
He’s created a cult.
SHONTÉ JR.
A friendly cult. That’s worse.

INT. UN CONTROL CENTER – CONTINUOUS

Jamal and Lee Harvey hack the central core.
JAMAL
If I can isolate the original frequency, we can reboot the world.
LEE HARVEY
Legally questionable but morally excellent.
WHITEY
And great clickbait.
IRENE
Shut up and solder.
SHONTÉ JR.
Plant’s picking up something.
(holds the Veritas Ivy)
It’s humming “Sweet Caroline.”
JAMAL
That’s the Harmony anthem. It’s syncing!
CHARLIE
(to Hank, internally)
You listening, buddy?
HANK (V.O.)
Loud and proud. You inspired me, Chuckles.
Now the world’s got a little Hank in everyone.
CHARLIE
Then it’s time for a recall.

EXT. UN STAGE – DAY

Charlie storms the stage, flanked by his family. Security (smiling blissfully) barely tries to stop them.
CHARLIE
Hank! End this now!
HANK (HOLOGRAM)
Why? They love it. Everyone’s finally honest, open, vulnerable.
CHARLIE
They’re not living — they’re possessed!
HANK
You always hated that I was the better half. Now the world agrees.
CHARLIE
You’re not my better half. You’re my mirror.
(beat)
And mirrors break.
He grabs the mic and slams the Veritas Ivy into the Harmony console.
The plant glows green-gold, shrieking.
PLANT
EEEEEEEEEEE!
JAMAL (O.S.)
Signal reversal in 3… 2…
HANK (HOLOGRAM)
Charlie, you’ll kill us both!
CHARLIE
We were never supposed to be two.
He hits the switch.

MASSIVE ENERGY WAVE

Cascades through the hall — blasting holograms, wiping gold light.
People gasp awake as the Harmony trance fades.
A deep quiet.
Then a single, genuine clap from the audience.
Then hundreds.
Then thunderous applause.

EXT. UN PLAZA – DAY

Reporters swarm. Doves fly.
The Baileygates stand dazed but alive.
PRESIDENT (via video link)
Charlie, you just saved the world. Again.
(beat)
You’re fired.
CHARLIE
Thank you, sir.

INT. PLANE – RETURNING HOME – NIGHT

Family half-asleep.
IRENE
Is it over?
CHARLIE
Yeah. I think Hank’s finally gone.
HANK (V.O.)
Just napping.
CHARLIE
(rolls eyes)
Figures.
WHITEY
So… movie rights?
IRENE
No.
WHITEY
Series adaptation?
IRENE
No!
LEE HARVEY
Actually, legally, we own the patent on human consciousness integration.
JAMAL
So technically... we are the internet now.
SHONTÉ JR.
That’s heavy.
CHARLIE
Then let’s unplug for a while.

EXT. RHODE ISLAND COASTLINE – MORNING

The family walks along the beach. Calm waves. Normal skies.
Charlie looks out over the horizon.
CHARLIE
For once, it’s quiet up here.
HANK (V.O.)
Enjoy it while it lasts, partner. You know peace makes me itchy.
CHARLIE
Then bring sunscreen.
He chuckles. Irene takes his hand. The boys throw pancakes like frisbees into the ocean.

WIDE SHOT – THE FAMILY LAUGHING BY THE WATER

SUPER:
“One Nation Under Hank.”
FADE OUT.

TAG SCENE – POST-CREDITS

INT. NASA MISSION CONTROL – NIGHT
Alarms blare. A satellite transmission lights up.
On the monitor — a glowing golden smile. Hank’s.
ASTRONAUT (radio static)
Uh, Houston? The moon just winked.
HANK (V.O.)
Hello, universe.
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

TITLE CARD:

“ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 2: UNITED STATES OF HANK”
Coming Soon – “ME, OURSELVES & THE BAILEYGATES 3: PLANET OF THE HANKS”.